Simple math

"We've got a real problem here doc, Frisky's eating less food and we're worried about her. She usually eats one 5.5 ounce can of cat food throughout the day. Now I can barely get two 3.5 ounce cans in her. I know it sounds weird, you'd think it was more food, but they really do pack more food in those larger cans. What should we do?"

(I'm really not making this up...)

Today's phone call

Caller: "Hi, I read on the internet that veterinarians are trained to examine tick bites better than human doctors, so I was wondering if I could schedule an appointment?"

Debbie: "Sure, what's your pet's name?"

Caller: "No, not for our dog. The appointment is for my wife."

Debbie: "Wait, I'm sorry. You want to schedule an appointment for your wife to be examined by a vet?"

Caller: "Exactly."

Debbie: "Sir, you are really going to have to call your doctor. We can't schedule appointments for humans."

Caller: "Well that doesn't make sense." hangs up

crappy day

No one wants to tell a client their dog has cancer. That's one of the worst conversations ever.

Last week a patient of mine was diagnosed with splenic hemangiosarcoma. He had surgery and is currently undergoing chemo at a referral practice.

Today I had to tell that same client that the rads of their other dog's chest revealed metastatic cancer throughout the lung fields (I'm unsure where the primary tumor is). You can imagine how that conversation went.

Damnit.

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've had to give bad news to a client about both of their dogs in such a short time. The last time though, it was in the same day. A couple of years after graduating vet school I saw a great client of mine and her two dogs for routine annual exams. The only complaint she had was that one of them had been coughing occasionally for the past few weeks, so I ordered some chest rads while I examined her other dog. Upon opening the mouth I found a rather large ulcerated mass that ended up being an oral melanoma. About the time I started talking to the client about the oral mass though, the rads from the first dog came up. She had a very large pulmonary mass. (The cough worsened quickly over the next few weeks and she was euthanized after developing secondary pneumonia. The other dog had a hemimaxillectomy to remove the oral melanoma; she lived another 2-3 years.)

And then we're expected to somehow walk into the next exam room with a big smile and act like we're excited to see Mrs. Bee's new Bichon. Any other day I would be, just not today. Sorry, it's nothing personal.

Could be. It IS quite contagious....

"So what's wrong with Squinty's eyes today?"

"I don't know doc, they're extremely red and goopy, and he's been at them all day, rubbin' on the carpet and such. Do you think it could be that 'Dog Eye' that's been going around?"

A bindi dot?

"So, I really don't want to bring Fluffy all the way down there for an office visit [aka - I don't want to pay for an office visit] if it's nothing, so I was wondering if you could tell me over the phone what this little black dot on her skin is? At first I thought it was a tick, but now I think it's just an age spot. What do you think?"

Last time I checked I was one.

I had just finished excising two tumors off of a Golden Retriever when I walked to the front desk still wearing my surgical gown, hat and mask. One of our clients Mrs. Comedian (or was her name Mrs. Ignorant?) was sitting in the lobby and immediately commented, "Look at you! You look like a real surgeon."

not even 15 minutes?

You know, when it comes to owners some dogs unfortunately pick the short straw. This was the case with the sweet 9 year old Sheltie that I saw tonight. She's unfortunately developed a rather large mass on her chest that supposedly wasn't present a week ago (according to the owner). On first glance, the tumor felt like a lipoma (a mass composed of adipose tissue that happens to be one of the more benign of all tumors that dogs can develop), but cytology proved otherwise. Many ugly bad-ass looking cells, the kind of cells that you try your hardest to avoid when they've had a few drinks at the bar. Oh, and definitely avoid the "Your mamma...." jokes.

After recommending surgery, the owner succinctly gave me two reason why he couldn't have it done. One was money, he told me that his boss cut his salary so he didn't have any. Understandable, the economy isn't great, people are sometimes lucky to have a job. Sucks, but sometimes a pay cut it better than the alternative. I was about to give him some suggestions, such as getting an estimate from a couple of potentially cheaper clinics, but he immediately threw out the second reason Lucky wasn't having surgery. "I don't have the time, doc."

Say again?

Over the next 12 months you have absolutely no time to bring your dog in for surgery?? I'm sorry, did I not make myself clear when I said that I think your dog has cancer and if it gets much larger it may not be surgically resectable? I'm not asking you to take a day off, you can drop her off the night before at no charge, heck we even have late hours.

Nope.

Disgusting. I immediately walked away shaking my head.

Funny thing though. I overheard him at the front desk asking about boarding his dog while he's on vacation in New York. "Oh, and Saturday is my 'Day of Rest', so can I drop her off on Sunday instead?"

Punching a client like him should really be legally justifiable.